In Between V: Who's living upstairs?
by Eloise05
Summary: HUMANIZED. Skipper and Rico didn't even know there was an upstairs of the HQ. Or is there. Private just wants to put the past behind him and someone wants Julian in a leash.
1. Chapter 1

_**A.N. for anyone who's reading these. I'm sorry I haven't posted one in quite a while. I got in quite some backside chocolate mousse with a paper I have to write. But here is another one and I am starting numero IV. **_

_**Ricardo "Rico" Fernandez**__: he is the only one still leaving in the HQ (a big, one room apartment with no wall divisions, grey , brick walls and grey floors). He's tall with dark hair and topaz eyes and the usual scar on the left part of his mouth._

_**Steven Davidson a.k.a. Skipper**__: in the beginning he is sharing an apartment with Private. He has brown hair and piercing blue eyes. _

_**Percival "Percy" Smith a.k.a. Private**__: He's the youngest and smallest in the group. Private's love of sewing and making doll's dresses turned into a business and now he owns a clothing store which he manages when he's not with the team. Of British origin, he has light blonde hair, baby blue eyes and freckles. _

_**Jan Kowalski**__: He is gay-married according to NY state law to Francis Blowhole, whit whom he is living. He is of Polish descent, the tallest of the group, blonde and blue eyed. _

_**Marlene Potter**__: She is a very cute, flirty, but zany girl. She has dark brown hair and brown eyes. _

_**Francis Blowhole**__: is Kowalski's life partner (because mad scientist's have to keep together). He has light brown hair, green eyes__and wears an electronic eye patch over his right eye__(which he devised) designed after the shape of his eye and bone structure. (In case you were wondering, no he didn't gave up the Evil business all together)_

_**Julian King**__: He is the owner of the club The Kingdom. He is very tall, thin and likes to wear leather (neah, just joking (or am I?)). He is dark skinned and has amber eyes. _

_In the HQ, Skipper comes in with groceries in hand. Rico and Julian are already there. _  
**Skipper:** What are we doing with our day off?**Rico: **Revenge of the nerds marathon, basic cable.  
**Skipper: **Sweet. I know what I'm doing with the next seven hours.  
**Rico: **Yeah, I heard if you play Revenge of the nerds III and TLC's CrazySexyCool at the same time, they sync perfectly. (_he goes to the fridge while Skipper is tossing him groceries to put away_)  
**Julian: **Sorry, can't join you guys. Me and Sandy have an awesome double date planned.  
Gonna hit a wine bar…

**Skipper: **You wanna stay here, don't you?

**Blowhole: **Of course I do! Lamar's like the third most influential African-American character in movie history after Radio and Malcom X.  
**Rico: **Nobody moves! My leftover chicken Parm sando from last week is missing and I want answers. Skipper, you know how seriously I take my pre-dinner meal.  
**Skipper: **Rico, why don't you just admit that you eat two dinners?

**Rico **(_scoffs_)**: **Because I'm not a hobbit.  
**Julian: **Hobbits ate two breakfasts.  
**Skipper: **He does that too.  
**Rico: **That's not the point! The point is that food is missing, and this is not the first time.  
My burrito from a week ago, gone. My meat-pocalypse pizza from last Wednesday? Poof, into thin air. My 40-piece chicken nugget that I was saving for my birthday has just vanished.  
**Skipper: **Soldier, you're acting crazy.  
**Rico **(_crazy eyes_): Am I? Am I? (_screams it in Skipper's face_) Am I? (_Julian starts dancing on the spot_) Don't try to ease the tension with dance.

_That evening at a fancy restaurant, Julian and his girlfriend-of-the-week Sandy are having dinner with another couple, Carl, one of Julian's investors, and Dianne, his wife. _  
**Dianne: **Sandy, l can't believe you've never been to that Korean spa.  
**Sandy: **I can't either. I thought I'd been to every spa.  
**Dianne: **This place does an akasuri face scrub that is life-changing.  
**Sandy: **Better than the abalone kelp wrap at the Four Seasons?

**Carl: **Hey, Julian, do you have any idea what these two are talking about?

**Julian: **Oh, yeah, see, a scrub can really exfoliate your face, but a wrap, now, that just gets in there… (_catching himself_) Nope, no clue. I like beer, my friend. And rattlesnakes.  
**Dianne: **Sandy, I have some free spa passes. I'd love for you to go with me as my guest.  
**Sandy: **I would love that! Julian, you guys could watch the game while we go to the spa.  
Wouldn't that be great?

**Julian **(_in a really high voice_): Yeah. Yeah, that'd be awesome.

_After dinner Sandy and Julian are walking to Julian's car. _  
**Julian: **That's gonna be horrible.  
**Sandy**(_amused_)**: **I knew you were gonna say that. Your voice gets so high when you don't wanna do something.  
**Julian: **What?

**Sandy: ** ''I love tofu spare ribs''. ''Sure, I'll go to wine country with your parents''. ''I'll totally take care of you after you finish with me''.

**Julian **(_pouting like a big baby_): I don't do that. Whatever. I work with Carl, but l don't wanna be friends. I have enough friends.  
**Sandy: **Julian, we've talked about this. You need to be open to new things, new experiences.  
**Julian: **I am open to new experiences.  
**Sandy: **Remember when you showed me that photo album of yours. There were pictures in there of you wearing the same Halloween costume for the past 15 years.  
**Julian: **What are you talking about? I love my lemur costume.  
**Sandy: **Look, l really like Carl and Dianne. They're sophisticated, they're married. We could really learn from them.  
**Julian **(_fed up_)**: **Fine, I'll go on a dude date with Carl. But l want one of those sea kelp face wraps. You know I like my T-zone all supple and dewy.  
**Sandy: **Damn it, why does that turn me on?

_At Darla's bar Private comes over with drinks for him and Marlene. _  
**Marlene: **A lot of cute guys here tonight, Private.  
**Private: **Not really what I'm looking for.  
Marlene: l don't know, it's been a while since you and Skipper split up. I mean, maybe you should think about dating again.  
**Private: **I still don't think I'm ready yet.  
**Marlene **(_eyeing the door where two guys entered_): Are you sure? Because l feel like tonight would be the perfect night for you to get back out there, now.  
**Private: **I don't think so.  
**Marlene: **Okay. Well, what if you were, like, stuck in a trap in the woods and, like, a cougar was trying to eat you. Would you date then?

**Private: **That's insane. Why would that even happen?

**Marlene: **No idea, forget that. Maybe your dad is the head of some elite counterterrorist unit, and he only has 24 hours… l don't know. The point is, would you date?

**Private **(_feels kinda uncomfortable about that last one_): …I guess.  
**Marlene **(_triumphant_): I knew it!

_The two guys come over_  
**Guy no1: **Hi. I'm Clark. This is Pete.  
**Marlene: **Surprise double date! Waiter, round of sambucas. (_Private gives her a pissed-off look_) You're welcome.

_At Private's store. He is repainting it. Papers are strewn on the ground and the merchandise is moved out of the way. Rico's there to help, but he's laying on the ground reading the old papers. Private comes from the back room carrying a paint bucket and brushes. _

**Private: **Can you believe Marlene surprise-double-dated me? l mean, l feel like l was on a UPN reality show.  
**Rico: **Crazy.  
**Private: **Okay, Rico, I called you to help me paint the store, not lay around.  
**Rico: **Well then why'd you bring all these newspapers?

**Private: **They're four months old, okay? We're using them as a drop cloth.  
**Rico: **Well, l don't know all your fancy painting terms. And besides, Private, it's no big deal. You should be out there dating. I mean, the world is open to you. Chase your joy, dear Libra.  
**Private **(_confused, but amused_): What?

**Rico: **Oh, I'm reading your horoscope from four months ago. It also says you will meet a tall, dark stranger.  
**Private: **l did get hit on by Dr. Sanjay Gupta. You know, when we did that mission undercover.  
**Rico: **You got hit on by Sanjay Gupta and didn't tell anybody?

**Private: **Yeah.  
**Rico **(_gets up off the floor_): Hey, Private, when you were living with Skipper, did he ever steal your leftovers, maybe throw them out?

**Private **(_smiling knowingly_): It's happening.  
**Rico **(_suspicious_): What's happening? Are you part of the conspiracy? Are you all doing this because you think I'm chubby? My doctor says l retain water like a pregnant woman in a humid climate, which is a real condition.  
**Private: **Rico, Skipper is a sleepwalker, okay, and he does crazy things: eating, repotting plants. He even sang all the songs from Les Mis, and he nailed it.  
**Rico: **What did he do when you told him?

**Private: **He said he'd never seen Les Mis. It was very weird.  
**Rico **(_rolling his eyes_): About the sleepwalking.  
**Private: **Oh. Completely denies it.  
**Rico: **I'm gonna have to catch him in the act. I'm gonna need night-vision goggles, high-end, military grade.  
**Private: **Look, why don't you just ask Kowalski if you can borrow his nanny cam?

**Rico: **Why does Kowalski have a nanny cam?

_At Kowalski and Blowhole's apartment. Kowalski takes a teddy-bear off a shelf and turns to Rico. _

**Kowalski: **Because l like to know what our stuff is doing when we're not here. (_Rico gives him a look of disbelief_) Okay, we had some workers that l didn't trust, and then l fell in love with the teddy bear, so l left it there.  
**Rico: **So you're trying to catch Blowhole doing something?

**Kowalski: **Yes, damn it, why hasn't it worked yet?

_Just then Blowhole walks through the door. _

**Blowhole: **Hey, honey.  
**Kowalski: **Hi, Francis. (_to Rico_) So I hope your niece likes the teddy bear and just remember there's only eight gigabytes of… hugs to give. (_kisses Blowhole on the cheek and walks upstairs_)  
**Blowhole **(_waits until Kowalski is out of earshot_): So what are you trying to film?

**Rico **(_shocked_): What? You know about the teddy cam?

**Blowhole: **Of course. But it's cool, I learned how to use it to my advantage.  
**Rico: **Oookay.I'm gonna get on a bus with my teddy bear, buy a sandwich, put it in the fridge, and catch a sleepwalking Skipper.  
**Blowhole: **Nothing in that sentence makes you reassess what you're doing with your life? **Rico: **Nope.  
**Blowhole: **All right.  
**Rico: **Bye, Kowalski.  
**Kowalski: **Bye.

_At Julian's penthouse apartment, Julian and Sandy are chatting. _

**Sandy: **So how'd drinks go with Carl?

**Julian: **Oh, it was cool. Carl's a chill guy.  
**Sandy: **Oh, I'm so happy because l really, really like Dianne, although l can't believe all the stuff they've been through.  
**Julian **(_confused_): What's that, now?

**Sandy: **You don't know? The whole Ethiopian adoption process, how they lost money from a bogus orphanage? What did you guys talk about while you watched the game?

**Julian: **Nachos?  
**Sandy: **Okay, these are going to be our new good couple friends. So you need to just open up to Carl and let him open up to you.  
**Julian: **Right, open up.  
**Sandy: **Yeah.  
**Julian: **Emotionally, right?

**Sandy **(_disappointed_): Okay, clean it up.  
**Julian: **I was just checking.

_That night at The Kingdom. _  
**Carl: **Hey, what up, Julian?  
**Julian **(_struck by an idea of how to put Sandy's advice into action, although he doesn't want to really_): Hey, uh, Carl, um, Sandy told me about you and Dianne and the adoption thing.  
**Carl**: Oh, yeah.  
**Julian: **If you, like, need to talk about it, I could make me be that person who you do that, forthwith.  
**Carl **(_touched_): l really appreciate it.  
**Julian: **Oh, no problem, my friend.  
**Carl: **And Dianne told me about the huge problems you're having with Sandy and that you had to go to couples therapy so if you wanna talk, I'm listening.  
**Julian: **Yeah, man, sounds great… Wait, who went where, now?

**Carl: **Dude, l'm here for you.

_The next day at the HQ Rico's checking the fridge. _  
**Rico: **Aha. Got you, Skipper, you falafel-stealing bastard. (_grabs the teddy cam and walks out the door_)

_At Private's store Private is rearranging things around on the shelves while Marlene is walking behind him, talking in his ear. _  
**Marlene: **Private, I said I was sorry about the double-date thing, but it's time for some tough love. Skipper's been dating a lot, right? Like, a lot, a lot? Like, DiCaprio a lot? Seriously.  
**Private: **I don't care.  
**Marlene **(_whispering for no reason_): He even slept with Tracy Labarski.  
**Private **(_now he's surprised_)**: **From down our block? That slut.  
**Marlene: **Kind of harsh.  
**Private: **I meant Skipper

_Rico enters_ _running_  
**Rico: **Where's Skipper? Is he around here?

**Private:** No, why?

**Rico: **Because l have proof that he's been stealing the food from the fridge, which makes it okay for a grown man to carry a teddy bear in public, if anyone asks.  
**Private: **Rico, has Skipper been dating a lot? (_Marlene and Rico look at each other_) **Marlene: **Tough love.  
**Rico: **Yeah. He's on fire. Like John Mayer on fire.  
**Private: **Is that more or less than DiCaprio?

**Marlene and Rico: **More.  
**Private: **Wow.  
**Marlene and Rico: **Yeah.  
**Private: **I didn't realize.  
**Marlene and Rico: **I know.  
**Private: **Okay. You know what, guys? I think I'm ready. I am ready to start dating again.  
**Marlene **(_excited_): That's great. There's a singles booze cruise tonight . We play our cards right, we are drunk off Skinnygirl Margaritas by 7, we are knee-deep in investment bankers by 9.  
**Rico **(_huge grin on his face_): I'm in. (_reaches for a high-five no one high-fives him_) Oh, was l not invited?

_At Julian's penthouse. Julian comes in slamming the door. _

**Julian: **Did you tell Dianne we went to couples therapy?

**Sandy: **What are you talking about, Biscuit?

**Julian: **No, no, no. No Biscuit, no sweetie, no black Han Solo. None of your pet names are gonna get you out of this. Now, did you tell her that?

**Sandy: **Okay, l did, but only because she shared so much. I mean, l had to say something.  
**Julian: **Yeah, but couples therapy?

**Sandy: **I don't know, couples therapy. (_she starts to laugh, nervous_)  
**Julian: **Right? Us? Couples therapy? That's crazy. Because we've been dating for about a week. Woman, what did you do?

**Sandy: **Technically, we did not go, but, uh, after I met your friends I just I was so freaked out. They are so weird. l wanted to go see a therapist to make sense of it and to make sure you weren't…like…that. Okay, so I thought I'd meet a few. You know, see who fit.  
**Julian: **You auditioned therapists? How many?

**Sandy: **Five.  
**Julian: **Five?

**Sandy: **Five! One of them looked like a female Scott Bakula, which just stressed me out.  
And another one asked me why l went to so many therapists. Did not like him at all. (_sees Julian's expression_) Okay, you're mad, but l wouldn't have had to go to all these therapists without you knowing, if l thought you would be open to it.  
**Julian: **Oh, so now it's on me. Okay. All right, fine. (_starts walking out_)  
**Sandy: **Whoa, where are you going?

**Julian: **To the club, because my girlfriend is insane.  
**Sandy: **I am not insane, okay? Doctors one, three and five confirmed that.


	2. Chapter 2

_Marlene and Private make their way to the HQ. _  
**Marlene: **Why are we getting paint for your store from Rico?

**Private: **He said he had a guy that delivers paint to him in industrial quantities for his artistic painting.  
**Marlene: **Rico's bank account is a garbage bag under his bed, but he's got a paint guy? Makes total sense. (_they enter the HQ. On the table, eating cereal, is a strange guy: cute, scruffy, has a tattoo, a bit of a Southern drawl_)  
**Marlene **(_surprised_): Oh. Hey.  
**Malcolm: **Hi, I'm Malcolm. I'm, uh, Skipper and Rico's new upstairs neighbor. They… uh I don't have a fridge, so they said I could come in and use theirs.  
**Private **(_stretching his hand for a shake_)**: **Well, I'm Private and this is Marlene. We actually came to pick up some paint, which is clearly not here.  
**Malcolm** (_shakes his hand_)**: **That's funny, 'cause I'm actually a painter.  
**Private: **Like Raphael or Michelangelo?

**Malcolm: **Well, they were, like, Renaissance guys. I'm more of a conceptual artist.  
**Private: **Like Donatello.  
**Malcolm: **He was a sculptor.  
**Private: **l only know three Ninja Turtles, so I'm out. (_they both laugh_)  
**Malcolm: **Who was your favorite?

**Private: **Um, for art, Donatello, and for Ninja Turtling, Raphael.  
**Malcolm: **Totally.  
**Marlene: **Private? Can I talk to you for a tiny second? (_pulls him over_) See what happens when you open yourself up to dating again? Look what comes along.  
**Private: **Him? Really?

**Marlene: **Yeah. He is cute in, like, a Skeet Ulrich kind of way. He's smart, he's artistic, ask him out.  
**Private: **He is Skeet cute, but he's Skipper's neighbor…  
**Marlene: **Tracy Labarski.  
**Private **(_turns to Malcolm, determined_): So, Malcolm, l don't know, would you like to get a drink tonight? We can dive into the whole Ninja Turtling debate?

**Malcolm: **I can't. Got this gallery opening tonight I'm supposed to be at. Uh, would you, l don't know, like to come with me?

**Private **(_looks at Marlene who nods her approval_): Uh, yeah, l love gallery openings.  
**Malcolm: **Cool. Have you been to many?

**Private: **Pfft, uh, like, five, six… thousand.  
**Marlene: **Where should he meet you?

**Malcolm: **Um, say 7:30 at the Superior gallery (A.N.: I don't know made that one up).  
**Private: **That sounds super-erior.  
**Marlene: **You're done. (_pulls him away_)  
**Private: **I'm doing it.  
**Marlene: **Oh, my God, I'm so proud of you. He seems so great. Ugh, what l wouldn't give to find a nice, normal guy. (_as they walk away behind them Malcolm pulls himself through the HQ' ceiling_)

_Later at the HQ Rico plugs the teddy cam into a laptop. _  
**Skipper: **What are we watching, and why are you carrying a teddy bear?

**Rico: **Don't worry about Murray, he's with me. Private told me about your sleepwalking and I'm willing to bet this tape proves you stole the food.  
**Skipper: **He told you about that?

**Rico: **Oh, yeah.  
**Skipper: **Man, l do not sleepwalk! l don't know why every… (_sees the footage_) Aah! I sleepwalk!  
**Rico: **Boom! Gotcha. See, you're gonna go to the fridge. Soon you're gonna go… And you're walking away from the fridge. Well, who stole the food, then?

**Skipper: **And why was I bowing? (_Rico fastforwards the tape_) Wait, stop, stop, did you see that? Go back. Go back.  
**Rico: **I am. I am going back. (_the footage shows a guy climbing down from the ceiling and going to their fridge_)  
**Skipper and Rico **(_big shocked eyes_): Oookay.  
**Rico: **Is there a guy living in our ceiling?

**Skipper: **Yes, Rico, there's a guy living in our ceiling  
**Rico **(_yelling to the ceiling over the kitchen table_): You get down here right now, you food thief! You know, the Russian guy that rented us this place told me there was a crawlspace, but I never bothered to look.  
**Skipper: **Because you're afraid of spiders.  
**Rico: **It'smy third biggest phobia, behind ghosts and drag queens with no makeup.  
**Skipper **(_determined_): Let's go up there.  
**Rico: **It's pretty high.  
**Skipper: **Come on, let's be men and get up there. It's really easy. (_tries to pull himself up_) It's really… Hoover dam! Okay, it's hard, it's hard, it's hard. I got it, I got it. (_Skipper finally succeeds in pulling himself up through the ceiling hole panting. Rico's already there_).  
**Rico: **I found another entrance in the hallway. It had stairs. Way easier.  
**Skipper **(_looking around_): Wow. This place is not as creepy as I thought it was gonna be.  
**Rico: **I totally thought it was gonna be "putting the lotion in the basket", but (_spotting the guy's makeshift clothes' wrack_) this guy's got pretty good taste in shirts.  
**Skipper **(_looking through the guy's paintings_): He's actually a pretty good artist. (_about the painting_) You could totally see the pain on this guy's face.  
**Rico: **Oh, my God! He took our Apple Smacks. This has gotta stop. We are staying here until this bastard… Oh, my God, it's the biggest spider I've ever seen! (_Skipper panics and falls through the hole_) No, my bad. (_laughs_) It's just a ball of wire. (_looks around_) Skipper? Skipper? (_he hears Skipper groaning from downstairs_)

_At The Kingdom_

**Carl: **Hey, Julian what's wrong, man? You are so quiet. That's so not like you.  
**Julian: **Ha, ha. Right. Hey, can I bounce something off you?

**Carl: **I'm a trampoline, bro. Bounce whatever you want.  
**Julian: **Uh, Sandy went to couples therapy without me. She didn't think l'd be open to it, but that's not the point. l just don't think we have real problems, (_aside to himself_) because we don't know each other and we've been dating for a week.  
**Carl: **You probably don't. Women, they got a problem factory up here, (_points to his head_) but, uh, that being said, you've got to let her know that she can talk to you if she has concerns. I mean, a relationship is a two-way street.  
**Julian: **You're right. Thank you, my friend.  
**Carl: **No problemo, senor. Look, uh, now that I've got your ear, I've been meaning to share something with you.  
**Julian: **Oh, man, share it up. I am the share-man of the board.  
**Carl: **Uh, Dianne and I, we've been having some problems…

**Julian: **I'm sorry about that, man.  
**Carl: …**finding someone to share our bed with us.  
**Julian **(_not understanding_): Uh, like,,, Like a… Like a dog?

**Carl: **There'll probably be a leash involved. Right? (_starts laughing a bit on the maniac side_).  
**Julian **(_a bit scared_): That got weird. That got so weird. This whole thing's weird.

_In the HQ Skipper and Rico are slumped on the couch staring at nothing. Marlene enters, enthusiastic. _  
**Marlene: **Hey, nerds, I've got huge news. Okay, Skipper, I really hope you can be mature about this. So I may have pushed Private to go on his first date, post the whole non-wedding thing. You cool with that?

**Skipper **(_playing it off_): Yeah, I'm totally cool with that.  
**Rico: **Are you sure? It's gotta be tough.  
**Skipper: **No, it's totally easy for me. Is the guy handsome, successful? Ah, it doesn't matter. Is he tall?

**Marlene: **He's actually your neighbor. He's that kind of cute, scruffy guy, said he lived upstairs. Where have you been hiding him?

_After a few minutes in the hole in the wall (well ceiling). _

**Marlene: **Oh, my God, what have I done?

**Skipper: **Set up Private with a homeless squatter.  
**Rico: **A homeless vigilante squatter.  
**Marlene: **We have to stop this. 

_Julian and Sandy are meeting in a bar._

**Sandy: **Hi.  
**Julian: **Hi.  
**Sandy **(_sheepish_)**: **Listen, I'm sorry. I shouldn't accuse you of not communicating when l don't give you a chance to.  
**Julian: **It's okay, babe, I'm sorry too.  
**Sandy: **Aw, I love my black Han Solo. (_she kisses him_)  
**Julian: **Oh, and thank you for pushing me to open up to Carl. He opened up to me and we got to a really great place.  
**Sandy: **See? l knew we could learn a lot from Carl and Dianne.  
**Julian: **Yeah. Oh, yeah, we learned a lot, and they have so much more to teach us, like…(_he sees Carl and Diane entering the bar_) Oh, speaking of which. Hi.  
**Carl and Dianne**: Hi/ Hey.  
**Sandy **(_to Carl_): I am so glad that you and Julian are clicking, because he really seems to like you guys.  
**Dianne: **Oh, we like him, too, Sandy. A lot. (_strokes Julian's arm_)  
**Julian **(_doesn't know what to say so starts laughing_): I… I like you even more.  
**Carl: **Well, that's great. Well, what do you say the three of us go across the street, check in a hotel shave down and let our bodies do the talking, huh?

**Dianne: **Wouldn't that be so fun? (_Julian and Sandy exchange strange looks_) No, seriously, we wanna have sex with you, Julian.

_In the next minute Julian and Sandy are driving off from the bar. _  
**Julian: **Oh, my God, that was insane. They legitimately wanted to get down with my little Julian.  
**Sandy: **What are you complaining about? l didn't even get invited.  
**Julian: **But you gotta admit, they are a very open couple.  
**Sandy: **Okay, I deserve that.  
**Julian: **I'm happy you got me to open up. But this has been insane. I didn't want to be involved with creepy guys at work or therapists that look like Scott Bakula. This relationship was just starting up and you went nutso on it! (_he gets a text_) Thank goodness. I'll just go back to hanging out with my normal friends. The ones who freaked you out. Who apparently are on their way to stop Private from dating some guy who lives in Skipper and Rico's ceiling. Ha, ha. I love those crazy kids.

_At Malcolm's gallery opening, Skipper, Marlene, Rico and Julian walk in and (somewhat) crash the party. _  
**Skipper: **Private, wait. You can't date this guy.  
**Private: **What are you doing?

**Skipper: **Stopping you from making a big mistake.  
**Private **(_offended_): What? You get to date half of New York- Tracy Labarski, by the way. Ew! -and l finally go on one date and you show up and ruin it?

**Marlene: **Private, Skeet Ulrich lives in Skipper and Rico's ceiling.  
**Malcolm: **Wait. You're Skipper and Rico.  
**Skipper: **Yeah.  
**Rico: **That's right. And you do not take someone's Apple Smacks without getting a serious beat-down, son.  
**Julian: **You can't act hard when you're talking about fruit cereal.  
**Rico: **Yeah? lf l do a couple of warning lunges at him, huh? Some maniac blinks, huh? Let's dance, man.  
**Private: **I am so lost.  
**Malcolm: **My friend told me about this space, and I was only living there until I sold a painting. But I've never actually seen Skipper and Rico, just heard them. Wait, you're Brifette.  
**Private: **Who's Brifette?

**Malcolm: **Oh, Skipper mourned the end of the relationship for days. Uh, I thought he was saying ''Brifette'', but it was hard to hear through all the sobbing.  
**Skipper: **Sobbing? No, you didn't… You heard me not sobbing and being totally over it.  
**Marlene: **What does that sound like?

**Skipper: **I'll tell you later.  
**Malcolm: **I called my series of paintings ''Skipper's Despair''.

**Private: **Oh.  
**Rico: **I thought the emotional pain in those paintings looked familiar. You're a super-talented artist, man, but you do not steal from people.  
**Malcolm: **You're right, I'm sorry. Is that my shirt?

**Rico: **… what? That is just… I'm gonna exit through the gift shop. (_makes a hasty retreat_)  
**Private: **Wait, you squat in their crawlspace?

**Malcolm: **Yeah, I'm a rebel, can you dig it? l know, but, uh, l don't think we should see each other anymore. There's a bro code, and l can't do that to him. (_points to Skipper who raises a skeptic eyebrow_). Sorry, kid. (_bumps him on the chin, goes over and hugs a reluctant Skipper, then steals some food from the party and leaves_)

_The next day at the HQ, Skipper and Pivate are unpacking groceries while Rico just entered through the front door. _  
**Private: **So, clearly, someone is trying to tell me that I am not ready to date yet.  
**Skipper: **Oh, by the way, and I know I don't have a say in it, but when you're ready, I promise I'll be cool with it.  
**Private: **Thank you.  
**Skipper: **ln fact, there's a guy living under our stairs. I could introduce you. (_Private starts beating him with the toilet paper pack_) He's got a nice, full beard.  
**Private: **Ha, ha. Stop it.  
**Skipper **(_to Rico_): What is going on with you and this diet peach iced tea?

**Rico: **Oh, this isn't for us. Malcolm, incoming! (_throws the juice bottle up through the hole in the ceiling_)  
**Malcolm: **Hey, thanks, man. Enjoy the shirt. (_a shirt falls_)  
**Rico: **Cool. Oh, hey, do you have a belt l could- - A brown one would be- -

**Malcolm: **Coming at you.  
**Rico: **This guy's awesome.

_Everybody is gathered in front of the TV in the HQ for Rico's big "surprise feature" _  
**Rico: **Ladies, gentlemen, Private, I like to call this ''The Legend of Sleepy Skipper''. Enjoy. (_images of sleepwalking Skipper filmed with the teddy-cam appear on the TV_).  
**Marlene: **Wow.  
**Skipper: **A skill l didn't know l had.  
**Marlene: **This is sad.  
**Julian: **Are you checking your pulse right there?

**Marlene: **You never jog in real life.  
**Julian: **Oh, pretty good form.  
**Private: **That's really good—

**Marlene: **Cookies with the push-up? Bold.  
**Julian: **Wow, this is- A tour de force.  
**Marlene: **ls it gonna get sexy?

**Rico: **Yeah, it gets sexy right here. (_Skipper starts singing_) 


End file.
